4

All of them are gone 
Unless I become them
Take their form

Put myself to sleep so he might be able to 
Speak with them 
See them
Feel
Normal

I took that from him. 
He is this - this -
I did this. 

Riye, you could see it
You knew. 
You knew both - you - 
You saw that I couldn’t have killed him, but you saw that I could kill you. 
I don’t know if I had parents but I had you
You knew what I had to do and you saw

You saw 

You saw me fail
You knew I loved.
And in that face I saw what I have not seen
Directed at me

Pity. 

How could you pity me
With my blade
His blade
In your stomach?

The fall wouldn’t kill me
Likely wouldn’t kill me.
Maybe wouldn’t. 
The fall might kill me but don’t I deserve it?

I deserve to fall.
Strange Fruit, falling under a gathering storm

Words stick in my throat as I’m thrown from the building. So many different words so many big words and tiny words but big words because I’ve held them in my mouth, beneath my tongue 

Beneath my throat
Beneath my ribs
For so long. 

The roots of this tree wrap around my heart, prepare to rip out my soul and

And his hand, warm, takes mine. 
His hand, *warm*, takes mine. 

Not… not naturally warm.
No, not naturally, but

But I’m sorry
I’m sorry, but

When I change I am not me and 
And I didn’t want to be alone again. 

And you - 

You’re 

You’re a puzzle to me. 

Your face is a puzzle

I like puzzles

I like this puzzle

The puzzle of you 

And I don’t know how to 

But you’re warm. 
Is it you?

3

We live a life that is incredibly brief 
Fragile, Lailai
It can be snuffed with more ease than a candle
Pull twine taut 
Hold 
Wait

Smile at the guard in the next room
Bend to pick up the pen you dropped
While he stares at your ass
Stab him in the neck on the upswing
Barely break stride and most definitely

Don’t 
Get blood
On the collar. 
.
.

Every room has its own characteristics
It’s just about understanding what they are
Reading the history in the walls
You don’t need a book for that, Lailai
Don’t look at me like that -
It helps, of course
But sometimes the walls have eyes
And they’re desperate to tell you what they saw
You just have to listen
Watch - I’ll show you 
.
.

I can’t get us back. 
There are parts missing
Crucial to the window’s functionality
Broken window - just a hole in eternity, hnh?
Glass is very difficult to make evenly, but it’s time you learned
You need goggles
Everyone needs goggles
How can you look at the world without something to protect you from what you see, hnh?
No surprises, Lailai. 
We talked about how to solve puzzles, hnh?
.
.

Look at it from every possible angle.
Really think about it. 
Make sure you can visualise it - every part.
Learn the puzzle as though it’s the last think you’ll ever see. 
If you can’t solve it, it might be. 
Now for the important part:

Learn that puzzle - know everything about it -
Then close your eyes.
It’s there - behind your eyelids, behind your eyes
Tunnelling into your brain
Seeding down into your soul 

See that puzzle? 
When it disappears, your mind has finished processing it. 
When it disappears, your eyes know what to do, your hands will stop rippling with uncertainty.
When it disappears, your soul has acknowledged it, taken what it wanted and disposed of the parts it couldn’t incorporate with itself. 

The puzzle is solved. 

You need only enter the code. 

If you can see it beyond the puzzle that remains unsolved. 

I do hate it here.

The inorganic nature of it all…
The puzzle I once thought I could solve 
Eventually 

I’m not sure I can birth young, or even if pregnancy is possible in my… 
I’ve never met a pregnant -
I’ve never met a changeling. 
Not without a mirror. 

This form is strange - a need for something missing but a fullness.
This form should not be here. 
She should not be here. 

I should not be here. 

Jordan is right: I can’t get us back. 
Coh’Jak - my Coh’Jak - is screaming our history; the walls, the floors…calling for sunlight in a time of wights and darkness. 
Sairwa…I’m fragile. I don’t think I can take another broken window. 

I I

The others
The others could
The others I could
Even Riye
Riye who found me - taught me
Raised me?
But
They’re dead 
They’re dead
They’re all dead

I 

I

Did

As he pushed me through the window I saw the pieces of my mind on the floor. The pieces of me. 
Scattered
Cracked
Touched

That’s why he wouldn’t look me in the eye. 

Dead

Dead
Dead thing walking 
My hand on my staff itches
The blade it became

Becomes

Can become 

Wrong

But what’s wrong? 
Touch? Touch. They touched -
They put me through the window - hoisted, pushed 
Squeezed. 

It felt like 

Felt like a change being pushed on me. The weight of a different person on my essence. A universe. 

Why am I?

I don’t know why I am what I am -
Old as time or
Newborn?
Renewing constantly.
The Sunrise.

All I know is that he is unnatural and that is wrong.
The core of me rejects his existence
Another part - a deeper part
Can’t reject him enough

If I am life.
And they are death.
How can that be wrong?
Opposing forces.
Both must exist

And yet.

My mind is mine and they are not
They’re dead. 
A legion of mistakes. 
A legion given to greater goodness. 

I couldn’t. 

I couldn’t. 

I can’t

Will he?

He could

Revenge 

Turn a blade on me. 

Sink it in

I’ve lived far too long. 
Not long enough.

Loved far too long. 

Forgotten.

I want to forget again.
I want to forget more.

1

Sometimes I don’t choose to change 
Sometimes I become 
Someone else?
And I think
I think

I think when I become someone else
I’m not just wearing their face
I think I’m them
I think every bit of me
Is them
Or what I know of them 
And
And

I
I
I don’t know what happens to me. 
The rest of me 
Um
The me before
Or after

When I’m me
The real me
The actual real me
Not the me that responds to other names
Or the me that doesn’t remember things 

The full me
The me that knows why some people are afraid to look at me 
Or the me that understands knowing looks
The me that knows why my spells look the way they do 
The me that just watches, sometimes
Behind eyes that aren’t mine anymore 
And sees the world differently to me 

When I’m me, I remember
They all want to be remembered 
So badly
And at first
I don’t remember 
But at first, maybe I wanted that too

But what scares me
More than anything
Is that when they remember
When I’m not me anymore
When they remember them
Sometimes
I think they forget about me

And I’m not ready to disappear yet.