06: Comfort

Looking over her shoulder, Alexa felt a moment of panic when it hit her - Vee wasn’t behind her. Lucas was already talking about something - he always managed to find something to talk about. Frankly, she wasn’t sure how he did it. Eyes still on Vee looking back at her, she remembered a conversation they’d had only a few months back. He’d said he wouldn’t leave her with the brothers - they wouldn’t split the group this way unless she felt comfortable. And while she didn’t feel comfortable, she also didn’t feel as afraid as she would have a short time before. The young Sinrou wondered what had led to him making this decision: what had occurred between the three of them that he thought she would be safe with Lucas? Particularly after the night before…or did he think she, Alexandrie, was comfortable? 

The moment passed, as did the panic. Alexandrie raised a hand and produced a small smile in farewell. Turning to face their destination, Alexa realised Lucas had in fact fallen silent. She wondered, then (but didn’t ask) how he’d slept. Had he been as angry as she? Had he struggled to fall asleep? Had he and Spider lay in the dark in silence as she had, knowing Vee knew she was awake, thinking about the events of the day and afraid to say anything lest every thought in her head simply fall out of her mouth?

Sometimes, just sometimes, Alexandrie was sharp with her words because the alternative was to feel younger than (or perhaps, exactly all of) her eighteen years. So many thoughts swam constantly through her mind that she dismissed as childish and unimportant. Despite her sharp tongue, she was still young and in in awe of Edgewater’s sons, feared looking foolish in front of them.

“A true Sinrou-Mirroturcret is more than just money,” their sister had said, along with unsavoury things about grandmère that had led to Chevalier needing to intervene before Alexa had struck Ellinora Edgewater in her stupid face. Alexa’s later insinuation that Vee didn’t care about grandmère was the closest she had ever seen him to angry with her, and while she hadn’t meant it, she still blamed Ellinora for the words she had uttered, and partly for the hurt Alexandrie herself had caused. Thinking over what Spider had said at breakfast, Alexa had to concede that in one way, Ellinora was right. She was fast learning that to be a Sinrou-Merroturcret was to care for others as much as yourself and to do things for the greater good. Such bitter irony that this concept should be solidified in her mind by another of Edgewater’s children - one who had only seen selfishness in those of her status.

This thought continued to play through her mind as the two poured over books and made notes. Aquidion had said there was a fire - Alexa wondered how many had lost their homes and homesteads. How many had lost their names to the new. To Progress. Had grandmère passed through here? What had it looked like? How different it would have been from Shining Capital - lights at night, joy in congregation, pride in family…Alexandrie had always been fiercely proud of the Donadieu name, and the fact that she hailed from Shining Capital, but how different would her life have been if she had been born and raised here in Glitter Delta Cove instead? What if the joy last night could be felt throughout Lanogiianes? 

As it often did when her thoughts wandered, La Chanson danced through her mind. Spider had most certainly heard the Song that morning - had cried, in fact. She hadn’t been able to maintain the anger she’d held the previous night. As Vee had left the room (to speak to the brothers, she supposed), she’d awoken. Fully roused by his lack of presence, Alexa had risen to do something she hadn’t done since she’d been at home: She’d played with music. Pulling sheet music from her pack, she’d poured over the familiar notes, fingers tracing their pattern on the page. Lifting her fingers away, she’d traced the notes in the air, then, and watched as the music hung, dancing as if from an invisible line. Frowning at it for a moment, she’d paced, eyes never leaving the visual representation of the thing she most believed in.

“Why do you like to hurt people?” She had asked the music. The music, being music, did not respond. “I’m trying to use what you give me correctly, but…” she’d thrown herself, frustrated, on the bed, staring up at it. Hearing a door close and Vee’s unmistakable footfall, she’d waved the music away. But he hadn’t come back. Looking at her hands, she saw the notes clinging to her fingertips still. They hadn’t gone. She never wanted them to. She addressed her hands, more gently this time.

“I’m not Tallman, or a pirate. I’m not an assassin, and you can’t make me one. You won’t make me one.” Even as she spoke, she knew it was untrue, and it just made things worse. She knew she would do as La Chanson directed, no matter the cost. She just didn’t want the cost to be her friends or innocent lives. 

But who counted as innocent? She wouldn’t have called Spider innocent, and yet he had been so forthright at the breakfast table any residual anger had fizzled and she’d found herself apologising and almost telling the two why she’d left Shining Capital in the first place. She’d been both grateful and somewhat frustrated that they hadn’t pried, which confused the half-elf even more. Only three people, as far as she knew, were aware of why she’d left, and two of them had been at the table that morning.

Watching a gaggle of fans surround Lucas, she raised her eyebrows but said nothing. Her better judgement was telling her not to trust him, but Chevalier wouldn’t have left her side if he didn’t trust them to some degree, and La Chanson was…it seemed to be extending itself to him too. Deep in contemplation, she wasn’t too helpful when it came to the research they were there to do. Watching Lucas systematically comb through books and make notes, she wondered whether he’d teach her how if she asked, wondered whether he’d enjoyed studying, given how much he knew about such obscure topics. Lost in thought, she didn’t consider what was happening when they left. She hadn’t realised the vague sense of unease had disappeared. But she definitely felt relief when she saw Vee walking with Spider toward them.

So was she comfortable with them? Reaching out to take Vee’s hand for reassurance, she shook her head slightly. Not entirely, but it wasn’t as bad as she’d thought it would be.