Bravery? No.

Bravery? No.

Until Zainab mentioned it, I hadn't considered the potential that my actions - our actions - could have further reaching consequences. Mother mentioned something about children a few days ago too, but...but 3 years with Nelson... 

and I...

I don't think that's something I need to be worried about, really. 

There are much more pressing concerns. Zainab, Albemarle, Amelia...Marceline...Nelson...

Zainab is now awfully important, and I'm worried for her. I am trapped in a marriage from which I could run, perhaps. She is the right hand to a Sultan, now. The right hand to a Sultan, and...

Sometimes looking at her is like looking at a little bird trapped in a cage that is slightly too small. And I know the cage is too small, but every time I open the door the bird looks out then retreats even further and I just don't know what to do. 

And Amelia...I just want to give her the world, because I don't know what it is she wants and surely if I give her the world, some part of it would be a part of what she desires.

In all that's happened what I wanted, always wanted, was to do what was best for Little Thorndon. I wanted to repair the church, I wanted to get those lanterns along the highway improved, I wanted the cobbles on the main street changed because so many horses were going lame there...I wanted Little Thorndon to be a happy place. One that perhaps people would want to stay in. Zainab and Amelia travelled so much and I thought it was because of all the little things in our town that discomforted them. Or that perhaps our way of life was too dull. 

And now I find myself not wanting to stay in Little Thorndon either. I couldn't bear it, in fact. Back to Shrewsbourne, back to my prison. Yes, it was my fault that Nelson left, but why leave me alone for so long? And with Zainab gone and - and I tried to stay away from Albemarle as best I could to practice being a good wife until he returned but the months dragged and that house is a prison and - 

I can't return. I simply can't. Not to that house. Not to be left there. I can't. 

And yet deep down my heart flutters as hard as Albemarle's because it is exactly what Nelson could do. I must find a way to make him give me a divorce, because I can't spend more time alone there. Especially with Zainab and Amelia gone...and if we don't find a way to stop it, Albemarle too. 

Albemarle too.

My heart, my soul, my love...all gone, leaving only the flesh to desiccate in the shell of Shrewsbourne Manor.

No, Amelia, I'm not brave. Not even a little. 

I'm desperate. 

I'm desperate and panicking.

Because maybe Grahnt was right and I'm going to break Albemarle's heart.

Maybe mother is right and there is no way out of this.

Maybe Nelson is right and I just need to try harder.

Maybe everything I'm doing is wrong. 

But it feels right. It feels like the right thing to do, so is it not what one must do? 

The Lord went 40 days and nights in the desert.

40 days of temptation from the devil. 

But which is the devil here?

My love or my responsibility? 

All I know is that once I speak with Nelson, everything is going to change and I can't go back.

The thought alone makes me shake, but I do not know if it is with happiness, terror or grief, for it is a closed door to who I was.

Pearl Meyer.