What next?

And now...now I truly doubt I can go back. Mother...thank you. 

I am still somewhat afraid - Zainab said she would take me home with her, but I never thought that I would be leaving home to do it...or that I might be leaving forever. I'm sure it won't be forever, but I still have a queasy feeling at the thought of...of what? Returning to England? Going to Constantinople?

But Albemarle is with me, always. It's as though we were children again - so frequently hand in hand. Or just touching...he steadies me. Just by being there, I can look at them and know that everything is alright. That it will be. 

That it can be.

​We have to be aware of Grahnt...but he seems very tolerant of our...needs. He seems to have a similar way of thinking to mother, and I am so grateful.

Perhaps not exactly like mother. 

Theodore...I wonder what he was like. They were obviously comfortable together. He was important enough that she has a painting of the two of them...she and father never did (that I knew of). Not beyond the portrait that hung upon the mantlepiece. 

Did she ever regret leaving him? Did she resent her parents?

Even with Nelson, I don't think she...

She did what was best for me, or at least what she thought was best. Albemarle will need to go home eventually. Surely they must. With Grahnt here, surely they must, but I...

I cannot return to Little Thorndon. At least, I don't think I can. Do I want to? Could I imagine returning to that cavern of a manor where he left me? 

In the gentle rocking of the ship as we gently rock together, I wonder how a person who truly loves me could leave me thus to myself. The wonder with which Albemarle seems to gaze upon me, the almost fear that I might fade away...the desire, the hunger the ravenous hunger I feel to feast my eyes upon them. The twitching of my fingers when I see his hair move in the wind - oh! To be the wind that caresses that face...

I did everything I could to try to love you, Nelson.

I promised. You were right. I promised. And I tried to keep that promise. Truly. It may not seem as though I did, but the way I feel now - the things I do now, the pull of my hips toward his at every possible moment... imagine feeling that for years and doing nothing. 

You may not see it, but I tried. I tried for you, I tried for my family, I tried for Albemarle, and I tried for me. I tried for me, Nelson. I shut down every possible avenue of thought to be the wife society asked me to be. And now...now I am on a ship headed for a new society with friends I love dearly and no knowledge at all of what we will do or what comes next.

Or at least, I know not what we will do or what comes next once we have disembarked.

As I watch another wax droplet cool and harden on the bolted desk, I don't think I need to worry about ignorance of what I will do (or what comes next) quite yet.