07: Bon et Juste

"All life should be...it deserves to be...protected."

Vee had said those words mere months ago. "All life is beautiful and precious," he had said.

So much blood.

"We may need to scare him a little. Nothing more."

He had asked her to leave.

"If you are here, he may not believe the threat, not believe we would do it while you watched."

If she had been there, Tallman wouldn't have believed the threat. The threat...what was the threat? Was it more than what she saw? Was it more than Tallman described? Was there more before the man...woman, had screamed in pain? She didn't know, and she didn't want to ask.

Either way, he had let it happen - and so had she. As they waited for Lucas and Jasper to return, Alexa sat on the bunk, her eyes shifting from Tallman - Mirayam Tallman now - to Chevalier. She couldn't shake the horrible feeling that Tallman was right: He had allowed it to happen. They had sent her away, sent Lucas to distract her knowing they were going to hurt Tallman. She should never have left the room. It had gone against her better judgement - something was wrong, and she knew it, but whose judgement could she trust more than Chevalier's? Who could she trust more to do as he said, and only in aid of the greater good - in aid of her family's safety - her safety?

But that scream. In a moment, her heart had dropped into her stomach. The day, cool on her skin turned cold, then not cold enough as she bolted to the bunkhouse, slipping under Lucas' arm. He knew too. Had she been the only one?

"It deserves to be protected." So why was it spilling out on the floor? Was this how life was protected? Did Chevalier remember what he'd said to her? Did it matter? Was it just a platitude? Was it one rule for her and another for him? Whose life was he protecting by letting Spider bite Tallman with her own sword?

What was there to gain? Alexa couldn't imagine being in so much pain, and she certainly couldn't imagine being asked questions while it happened and saying anything other than what the attacker wanted to hear.

In the camp, watching Tallman laze, her eyes dropped to the woman's leg. That moment, running into the bunkhouse, seeing blood and a man she couldn't be sure was alive and her closest friend speaking, behaving so nonchalantly about what they had done - it had been the first time she'd silently cursed La Chanson. She wanted to help, wanted to heal, wanted to protect life - all life...and she couldn't. The Song wouldn't - couldn't come to help. She couldn't ease Tallman's suffering, and she desperately wanted to.

As the others rested, she sat in meditation, apologising to La Chanson and begging for its return. It had returned, of course, and she had been able to help make Tallman's travel less painful, but her eyes still flicked to the smirking woman's leg and nose. Both Spider and Lucas had proven they were happy to hurt, and she would remember that. It didn't sting as much - she expected it. Chevalier, though...

"All life deserves to be protected."

"You were the one who taught me of life's importance!" She wanted to scream into the silent room. "You said it deserves protection. All life deserves protection. All of it!" She didn't though. It wasn't a discussion to have here, nor one to have now, with a captive. And if she were honest with herself, she didn't know if she wanted to have the discussion at all. Angry tears pressed at her eyelids and she blinked them away. She knew she was being naive.

The things Chevalier said and the things Chevalier did were not the same. Besides, who was she to point fingers? She had killed - twice now. Twice in aid of her allies, but twice nonetheless. Did Vee feel the same about what had happened as she did? As she watched him watching Tallman, for the first time in a long time she wasn't sure she wanted an answer.

"All life deserves to be protected."

But what if that protection - what if keeping people alive was simply so they could go and hurt someone else? She had helped the big man and sent him on his way. He would now go and hurt again, she had no doubt, but her conscience, at the time, had been clear. She sighed, and was returned to the present when both looked at her.

Perhaps she should have joined Lucas for that game of Centurion after all. Exchange pain for pain, but at least she wouldn't feel so confused or so...lonely.