7: Questions and Itchy Fingers

Looking at Mysel made Alexandrie’s fingers itch. 

She’d never really understood what Maman meant when she used that phrase. When she used it, it had always ended with her sitting on the floor while Maman sat on a chair unbraiding and re-braiding, teaching Alexa how to braid her own hair; or scrubbing, filing and buffing Alexandrie’s nails to a shine; or teaching Alexa to pick clothes that would make her look just different enough that people wanted to emulate her. 

She had never felt her fingers itch, but looking at the boy’s mess of curls, she understood perfectly.

How long had it been since those locks had been trimmed? His hair had not clumped into dreadlocks so he did something. He said he’d lived with people - did they brush his hair - teach him how to groom himself? Teach him how to live? Did he wander or was he told to leave? As strange as he was, she didn’t get the sense he was a bad child - quite the opposite. Why then, was he only with a friend? What about the rest of his family? He had been kinder to her than most other children or people her age…most people, so she didn’t understand why he wandered. 

Most people were apathique…they did not care. Spider was one such, to her mind. Others were actively cruel - Ellinora and Genofeva were like this. Others still were nice when they wanted something, like Lucas. Most people in court were like Lucas, so most of the people she had been exposed to in Shining Capital were like Lucas. She understood this behaviour the most, even if it hurt. Which was why Mysel confused her. What did he want? How did he get there?

Shi (when did she become ‘Shi’?) was so frustrated by her interest in his clothes, but clothes told her a lot about people. If someone sold him a jacket that was so far out of fashion, did it mean they had taken advantage of him? It truly looked awful, though she could see (if she squinted) that he tried to do something. Being unable to see was no reason to allow someone to look bad. To Alexandrie’s mind, there was untapped potential. He was a cute kid, but he looked like a cute kid with no one to help him, and he had both a ‘friend’ and La Chanson in his proximity, so he should not look unaided, even if he could not see.

And so her fingers itched to braid his hair and get it out of his face, even if he couldn’t see. If nothing else, he smiled a lot and it was nice. Not entirely infectious - Alexa was given more to solemnity these days - but nice. Different. It didn’t seem to exist to manipulate… only because that was how he felt. Different.

It had been a strange day. 

She’d gone to the wall when the Vel’bla’dran attacked. She knew that if the fighting got any closer, she would have needed to run and hide, but Chevalier would have gone and his Soul was in her pack and so he had gone. He had helped. She had helped because he would have and so he had.

She held his Soul, whispering the day’s activities to it. Maybe he heard. She didn’t know. She knew there was a letter but she wasn’t ready - was beginning to wonder if she ever would be. 

The last words he would say to her.

She didn’t want to hear them. 

She had so many questions - questions she’d told Shi and questions she hadn’t.

Shi had asked a question and so rapidly taken it back - if they’d paused, Alexa would have answered.

Was she happy to make the journey? 

Yes - but she didn’t know why, exactly. She didn’t know if it was because La Chanson made the journey toward it so much sweeter than thinking of going away - or perhaps she was simply excited to get away from Shining Capital with its people like Lucas who were nice if they wanted something. Or maybe she wanted to see the world and La Chanson gave her an excuse. She had seen some marvellous things that she certainly would not have seen if she had stayed home. Or maybe she was happy to make the journey because it was an excuse to run from being Sinrou and all the attempts to make Maman happy. 

They were going to the centre of the continent…nothing would be there. No one to impress, no one to dress well for, no one to judge her for how different her family was. 

No one would be there.

Unless La Chanson had a body.

Perhaps it was all of those things.

Was she happy? Probably happier than if she had stayed home. Perhaps La Chanson fed on her desire to leave. If so, she was grateful. Fulfilled? She didn’t know enough about La Chanson to feel fulfilled, and within herself was such an abundance of questions, how was she to feel fulfilled by the knowledge she had gained?

Why come on the journey? Because Grandmère had been saddened by something that had happened. Alexandrie was on her way to fix what Grandmère could not. She did it for Grandmère - for the grandmother who had cried when told her granddaughter heard the most beautiful sound she could imagine. She imagined that Grandmère had tried to help La Chanson because it had called to her for help - nothing more, nothing less. Whether it was true, she didn’t know, but this was her belief. Alexandrie did not see that in herself. She did not think she was selfless like Grandmère: learning about La Chanson was not fulfilling by itself. It was the chance to learn about Grandmère’s experience.

The fulfilment was in the completion of the task - whatever that was.

Where she’d asked “what is fulfilled?” she had meant “what is fulfilled to you?” She wanted to know how Shi interpreted it.

Fulfilment to Alexandrie was being able to do what she had been trained to do: flirt successfully - it was garnering attention and information, it was having people swoon and do what she needed done. It was not telling family secrets but telling people about La Chanson, it was caring for family above all else. It was about family.

Family was fulfilment.

Closing her eyes briefly, she thought of the Soul in her arms, the picture within it - a picture of family - smiling together before bad times took them away.

She thought about the twelve year old orphan and had no ability to empathise. She could sympathise, yes, but she could not even imagine what it would be like to lose her entire family when losing one member hurt so much.

With no news, did her family assume she was fine? Or did they assume she was dead until they received a letter?

Gods, she missed them so much! She missed being able to ask all the painful questions she could not ask,

and she carefully avoided questions she knew she could ask - because what if La Chanson answered?

Was Vee truly dead and gone forever?

Would she be able to go home after?

Would La Chanson leave her?

Was she worthy of the task?

Would things be better after she had done it?

Would it end the tension between the three countries?

Could La Chanson change the bad things about Le Progrès?

Did it need her to dedicate her life to it? 

Would she ever see Vee again?

Could it bring Aunt Aerith back?

Would she become like Genofeva?

On and on went the list of questions she was not brave enough to ask: 

Would they find Lucas?

Would Spider ever like her?

Would she ever understand jokes?

Was she on her way to bring about the end of the world?

Would she see it if she did?

Did La Chanson like her?

Some of the questions were absurd and unnecessary, but all of them brought an element of fear:

Would Mysel ever be cruel to her?

Would Re’ne’mala ever stop teasing her?

Would Shi ever make sense?

So many contradictions. Alexandrie did not understand why she yearned to have friends when the experience of them was one of discomfort and hurt. Even unintended. 

Like Vee.

Perhaps she needed to ask less questions and be more…more bold. Take answers.

Chevalier could not protect her now. Anything she faced, she faced alone.

Why Mysel was travelling with this friend and what their motivation was, was none of her business. Alexa had a goal to fulfil, a praetorian to try to bring home, an Edgewater to save (maybe)…

And perhaps friends to make?

Why did Shi want to know if she would be a good Waywalker? She seemed happy enough with books…

What was Spider doing for all those long hours in solitude?

No more questions!

And yet her fingers itched…